"You're mean! I hate you!"

The parent who is tenderly cradling a newborn baby never expects that some day those words may be pronounced in anger by that little innocent mouth. It is even harder to imagine that one might feel like saying them oneself to this darling child. In fact, strong emotions, including anger, are normal within the intimate relationships of a family.

A Feeling, Neither Bad nor Good

Many adults have learned that anger is bad and should be eliminated. However, anger is just a feeling. It signals us that something is going wrong. Separate the feeling from the action:  the feeling is neither good nor bad, but the action may be constructive or destructive. It's what we say or do when we are angry that can cause damage to ourselves or to others.

Burning off Energy

To help children manage their anger, it is important first to acknowledge it: "I can see that you're really, really mad!" Follow that up with some suggestions for burning off the anger energy without hurting anyone or damaging anything. A few ideas:  rip up scrap paper, run up and down the stairs, punch a big cushion, throw a ball against the wall (outside!), or make a drawing of the anger.

Provide a Model

Children learn how to deal with their emotions by watching the people around them, particularly their parents and caregivers. Here are some suggestions for adults who want to provide a healthy model:

• Make note of what triggers your anger and prepare strategies for how you will act in those situations.
   
• Recognize that anger is usually a secondary emotion. First you feel scared (or helpless, frustrated, disappointed, exhausted, threatened, insulted, etc.), then you get mad. The adult who feels like spanking a child who has just run out into the street felt fear before being angry. It is important that the child know that. Unfortunately, the anger often is so intense that it hides the underlying feeling that is the clue to the real problem. Getting in touch with that feeling may be the beginning of finding a solution.
   
• Learn to recognize the physical signs of impending explosion so that you can take steps to stop yourself before you "hit the roof": breathe deeply, count to ten, leave the room. Anger is accompanied by a release of chemicals in the body which push you to act. Once this process has been started, it is hard to stop it.
   
• If your energy is very high, blow off steam safely: pound pillows, scrub the floor, go for a run, scream at the top of your lungs in the shower.
   
• If you do get carried away, don't try to talk about the problem before you have calmed back down. You risk getting back on the roller coaster ride of anger.
   
• When you feel you can focus on the problem without attacking the person, sit down together for some problem solving.
   
• Apologize for anything you regret saying or doing, and forgive yourself for being human.

Sources:  The Dance of Anger by Harriet Lerner; Love and Anger: The Parental Dilemma by Nancy Samalin.

Thanks to Betsy Mann for permission to post this material.
A resource for parents and caregivers. Prepared for the Canadian Association of Family Resource Programs, 707 - 331 Cooper Street, Ottawa ON  K2P 0G5, Telephone: (613) 237-7667, Fax: (613) 237-8515.