Are you a pessimist or an optimist? When you pour 100 millilitres of water into a glass that holds 200, is the glass half empty ... or half full? When your four-year old insists that the sauce on her plate mustn't touch the noodles, do you call her picky ... or say that she really knows what she wants? The words you use to describe your children influence how you feel about their behaviour, how you treat them and how they feel about themselves. If you tend to be a pessimist, changing negative labels to positive ones can open up new possibilities for you and for your children.

Mary Sheedy Kurcinka is the author of Raising Your Spirited Child — "spirited" is the word she uses to describe what other people might call "difficult" children. She suggests finding positive labels for character traits that adults frequently complain of in children.

• instead of stubborn, willing to persist in the face of obstacles
• instead of demanding, holding high standards
• instead of argumentative, strongly committed to one's principles
• instead of anxious, careful in new situations
• instead of unpredictable, flexible, a creative problem solver
• instead of bossy, gifted with leadership qualities

Try out this kind of transformation next time you find yourself describing your children's behaviour in negative terms. Does it make you feel better about the situation? More positive language often leads to more positive feelings and an expectation that behaviour will improve. It's like that half full/half empty glass of water:  the optimist is more likely to think that there is enough water to quench her thirst, whereas the pessimist worries that there will never be anything more to drink.

To change your perspective, you need to apply this positive language in your private thoughts about your children as well as in the way you talk about them to family and friends. Breaking the habit may be hard if you have been using negative labels for a long time — especially if those labels were used on you when you were a child! At first, you may have to pay particular attention to your words and make a conscious effort to turn them around. Like any change in habits, this will get easier after a while, particularly when it pays of in improved relationships.

When your children hear the new constructive labels spoken out loud, they too adopt a sense of their potential strengths. How much better for their self-esteem to hear themselves described as observant of details, rather than scatterbrained; as interested in learning, rather than nosy; or as good at foreseeing possible problems rather than a worrier.

Using more positive adjectives doesn't mean excusing unacceptable behaviour. Calling your children "energetic" instead of "wild" doesn't mean you have to accept that your sofa will become a trampoline. Instead, the new point of view can help you look for situations in which your children's strengths will shine. Energy that is too exuberant in the living room may be just what is needed for success at gymnastics. A talent for expressing emotion could be channelled into drawing or playacting rather than used for throwing tantrums on the kitchen floor. Once you have identified the good side of a characteristic, you can help your child learn the appropriate times, places and ways to express it.

Often, character traits we complain of in children become qualities we admire in adults. Stubborn two-year-olds can be infuriating, but we want our teenagers to be able to stick to their values and say no to drugs. We respect men and women who continue to work at achieving their goals in spite of setbacks. The challenge is to redirect the stubbornness in the toddler while still affirming the essential quality of persistence. That process begins with new labels and a change of attitude.

Keep in mind what the American author Isaac Bashevis Singer wrote, "When I was little boy, they called me a liar, but now that I am grown up, they call me a writer."

Thanks to Betsy Mann for permission to post this material.
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