Most children whine. But while it's clear that children of all ages are prone to this kind of behaviour on some occasions, some experts say that whining seems to reach a peak with children of three or four years and gradually subsides after the age of four.

Persistent whining, and the clinging to Mom's skirt or climbing all over Dad's lap that often goes with it, is almost always annoying. It can be especially maddening in some circumstances when relatives are looking on scornfully, when you're in a situation in which you don't want to make a scene, or when you are tired and weary yourself.

Reasons for the behaviour.

Fatigue is surely the most common contributor to this kind of cry for comfort and security. When children who rarely whine begin to do so, it may signal the onset of a cold or another illness that starts with vague aches and pains that a child cannot point to directly or explain. In a few cases, the behaviour may have been learned from a model. Perhaps your youngster has observed another child or even an adult succeed in getting his way by using this kind of unrelenting but low-intensity fussing and complaining.

It is important to note that a whining child usually doesn't use this tactic on everyone. The teacher or babysitter may not receive much at all from a child who continuously whines with her mother.

A common factor behind a patter of persistent whining seems to be that the person to whom it is addressed gives the child mixed or unclear signals about the limits and expectations for behaviour. Sometimes a parent changes her mind about the rules too often or too readily. Sometimes the parent is indulgent and gives in to the child's demands until her patience reaches the breaking point. She may then turn on the child harshly and thereby upset the child even further. The pattern of whining, which annoys the parent, thus prompting more whining, signals a power struggle between the child and the adult. It is best to avoid such struggles if you can. But when you can't, it's best for the parent to "win" because it is in the child's best interest to understand that he or she is loved by an adult whom he or she can look up to and perceive as strong, in charge, and thus a source of security.

Coping.

Obviously, it is better to prevent whining from occurring at all than to have to scold a child for it. If a child seems to fuss out of boredom or loneliness, she may be helped by having more things of interest to do, more time alone with parents. In some cases more rest will do the trick.

Keep in mind that the behaviour will surely stop if it fails to have an effect. Of course, ignoring a whiner, or not acceding to his or her demands, is easier said than done. But a child cannot stop the pattern without your help.

To break a pattern of whining, respond to it by taking a firm position on whatever the child is demanding. If you find it difficult to give a firm no or ignore a child's constant demands, it may be because you feel guilty about something. Perhaps you wish you had more time to have fun with your child. Maybe so. But the child's whining will not alleviate the guilt, and it should be clear to both of you that whining only makes the time that you are together unpleasant and joyless. Maybe the child will put up a loud fuss for what seems like forever. But you simply have to stick it out until the child knows that you mean business.

Not a pretty sound.

Whatever the underlying cause, whining is not fun for anyone. The child doesn't really enjoy whining, and it is difficult for a child to have a reasonable sense of self-esteem or self-respect if she is constantly fussing and being rebuffed for doing so. And it is certainly very difficult for adults to enjoy a child who whines.

Lillan G. Katz, Ph.D., is professor early childhood education at the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign and director of the ERIC Clearinghouse on Elementary and Early Childhood Education.